I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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