The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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