My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sober January is a disaster.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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