EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
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I'm just crazy horny about you
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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