I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
