I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
