I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
