I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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