were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
