help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
