There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
