Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
