Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Shame - the story of my life.
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