Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
