I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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