You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How much have you had to drink?
That seems like quite a lot.