My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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