shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
