I heard we made out
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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