My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
