4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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