I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
