An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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