Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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