I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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