i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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