i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
