Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
