and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize