If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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