is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
