I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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