The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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