Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Girls should come with a carfax report
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woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
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why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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