i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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