I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
