well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
