I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
