): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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