I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
