I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
