you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my shit smells like andre
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They are going to name an STD after you.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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