my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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