how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
