My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
