Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
