My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
