Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
