the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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