Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
