Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
