if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
