Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't turn off my feet"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
