So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
