Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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