Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
