Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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