I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
