i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
