Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
