Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
