I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
