I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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